


Half Past Adventure: Princess Pauper, As Told by Macy

by Pablo360



Series: Half Past Adventure Extended Universe [3]
Category: Adventure Time
Genre: Emotionally True, Gen, In Character, Recap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24615967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pablo360/pseuds/Pablo360
Summary: A brief, entirely in-character summary of the events of the first season of Half Past Adventure, from the perspective of Macadamia the Nut.  The contents of this recap are, in BMO’s words, “emotionally true”.
Series: Half Past Adventure Extended Universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543054
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Half Past Adventure: Princess Pauper, As Told by Macy

**Author's Note:**

> A summary for those who don't want to read [the first season](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18820774/chapters/44660608) of [Half Past Adventure](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1360765), my enormous 200k-words-and-counting Adventure Time fanfic. It's told in-character from the perspective of the (original) main character, Macadamia the Nut, aka Macy, framed as a conversation she's having with her school-sponsored therapist, Dr. Upe.

You want me to start at the beginning? Okay.

My name is Macadamia the Nut. I was dropped off at an orphanage in the Candy Kingdom before I was one year old, whereupon — actually, yeah, you’re right, I should skip ahead. By the age of twelve, I didn’t have very many friends, aside from fellow orphan Masse Yvoire and some rainicorn-dog named Robin who followed me home to the orphanage one day and whom Princesso (that’s what we called Princess Cookie) let me keep. Despite my incredible charisma, admirable dedication to learning absolutely everything about awesome people like Finn Mertens, and impressive ability to throw a crumpled piece of paper into a trashcan from across the orphanage lobby nearly 75% of the time, I had yet to be adopted. I assume this was the result of some sinister conspiracy to prevent the adoption of awesome nut ladies, and also I guess white chocolate chips. Actually, that doesn’t make sense; there’s no connection whatsoever between those two food items. Oh well.

One day, Princess Bubblegum threw a big party to announce the condensement of a new calendar, and Princeso managed to sneak all us orphans in. Now, Princess Bubblegum may be a flawless being of pure genius and an incredible leader, but she’s also a cruel, despotic tyrant, and she refused to let her loyal vassal the Duke of Nuts into the castle (heh, that rhymed) just because… actually, I don’t remember why. I want to say he took too many pudding cups at dessert one time, but I may be confusing that with something else. The point is, while I was inside the party, he was outside, and that’s bad I guess.

The thing you need to understand about Masse Yvoire is that he’s crazy addicted to the old-timey sitcoms Princeso used to show us, from before the Mushroom War, so I think he was under the impression that he and I were together-together. He decided to run off with me on a brave and heroic quest to save the poor maligned nut, while Robin hung back and talked to some randos.

After outwitting the conniving Candy Corn Colonel, I managed to reach Bubblegum’s beautiful daughter, Princess Torte, in the chocolate aviary. There was a really mean bird there, and I guess that put Masse into an aggressive mood, because he said something stupid and then ran away, leaving me all alone. I managed to pull myself out of that slump because of my lucky coin that Jake gave me (note to self: next time, mention the coin sooner), and appealed to the Princess to have her mother pardon my father. Oh, yeah, right after that is when the Duke adopted me, so now he’s my father. Cool, huh?

…okay, yeah, you’re right. Torte was more important than I let on. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and about what I might have become if she hadn’t pulled me out of the funk Masse put me in when he ran away. I tried not to blame him, but it’s hard. I was still sorta in a haze when I finally arrived here, in the Duchy of Nuts, a week later. Jugland is my home now, but I was so disoriented that it took a while to feel that way. I still have nightmares about the chocolate aviary, and also about the dead body I saw on my first day after arriving here.

But whatever. I saw a murder happen to some sort of government person, it was horrifying, we’ve been over this. I also met that super cool detective lady, Cash, who Robin eventually became friends with. I even helped her solve the crime that led to me finding a dead body! Oh, right,  _ that _ was the pudding theft. It’s amazing what people are willing to kill over. Almost impressive.

The new government person came over to replace the old government person. This time it was Candice, who’s like some sort of clone of Colonel Corn. She’s a tranch, and I hate her. She’s condescending and always thinks that she knows what’s best for everyone, and I’m pretty sure she’s a part of that nut-hating conspiracy that kept me from getting adopted which I just convinced myself didn’t exist. She was so annoying she made me wonder why we’re even a part of the Candy Kingdom in the first place, which is when my brother Galé told me we hadn’t always been, but we joined after some war or something. I’m not sure how that works, and it did nothing to make me hate Candice less.

After another week, Robin, the irresponsible mutt that she is, convinced me to run away from home and crash with zhir grandparents in the Crystal Dimension for a while. We got caught up in some epic heist where some mobsters tried to blow us up, but I heroically sacrificed myself to save us all by blowing up the bomb, which made it be destroyed.

Stretching what truth? The bomb stuff? Okay, I admit I’ve gotten into the habit of embellishing this particular tale more than others since I wasn’t there for a lot of it but — okay, fine. I guess as my school-appointed therapist I should know I can’t get these things past you. I ran away because I was frustrated with my dad not wanting me to be an adventurer. He was scared I might get hurt. And… he was right. I  _ did _ get hurt. After Robin’s great-grandmother Lady Rainicorn took me to a golf death battle where I met some cool friends like Cragg the water spirit and  _ no one else, _ Finn gave me his girlfriend’s address to go train with her, and on the way there, I got attacked by wave after wave of horrible monster, and all my belongings stolen by a tribe of bandits, and after all that, I got my leg hurt so bad it had to be amputated.

Okay, fine, that’s not true either. It didn’t really hurt that much. I just had to limp around for a few while Finn’s girlfriend’s girlfriend gave me healing potions. Oh, right, that was some woman named Razz, and my new master was the legendary guardian of forests, Huntress Wizard. At first, she didn’t want to train me because I was reckless and untested and have these flimsy little arms. Robin convinced her to give me a chance, and I proved myself with my tenacity, so she taught me to meld my consciousness with the forest and also all sorts of survivalist tips.

Those came in handy when we got attacked by an enormous dragon from the moon and its army of subservient tree spirits. The trees took down HW and Robin, but I put on my master’s cape and slew the dragon by setting it on fire with a flare gun. Robin cried over a tree for some reason, and Huntress Wizard was getting her butt kicked by the wizard until Robin kicked the wizard’s butt in the face. Basically what I’m saying is I saved the world twice.

We came back to Jugland, and then I started school and Robin started hate-dating my eldest brother Pen. I helped stop a gang war within the school by choreographing a stirring performance of affection between two star-crossed lovers, whose names I shall not reveal to protect the innocent. Then Pen took Robin and I up to the Ice Kingdom to negotiate that mining contract everyone’s complaining about these days, along with his daughter, Penne Pasta (Penny for short). I showed her all kinds of amazing things, but she didn’t seem impressed by any of it, so instead we hung out at the library, where I ran into Marceline the Vampire Queen and  _ no one else. _ She helped me pull an epic prank on the Ice King, and then told me that her daughter Princess Torte hadn’t been able to stop thinking of me since that day in the chocolate aviary and that she wanted to see me again. Remember that, that’s foreshadowing.

It was around this time that Robin and Pen’s ca-litigious feud got out of hand, resulting in my brother opening a portal to the death dimension or whatever on the stairs and letting in some ghosts with a really annoying gimmick. When my cousin Vesper failed to dispel the ghosts, I forced Robin to hire an exorcist, Peace Master, to get rid of them. Then PM got in over his head and got himself captured by the ghosts, so I had to cut through dimensions with a cool sword Finn gave me (oh yeah I forgot to mention, Finn gave me his old birthday sword) and launch a rescue with Robin’s help.

Things did not go as planned. The ghosts had us all captured, and Robin was still repressing zhir deep personal feelings. Using the wisdom you had passed down to me, I got zhir to finally open up about zhir tragic backstory, giving zhir the strength to help us escape. I think the whole thing was actually a ploy by the ghosts on behalf of Pen to facilitate that outcome, actually, but don’t tell anyone else that. I’ve got half the school talking about the time I drove away some very powerful poltergeists, and I’d rather not you muddle the narrative with irrelevant gossip about motives.

After a vacation where I got into some weird arguments with my sister Archie and my dad Dad, during which Robin was having a boring time with zhir too-large extended family, I learned that Masse had run away from the orphanage. I couldn’t believe he would do something so stupid and reckless as running away to parts unknown, but Robin was quick to point out that he had been a bit of an odd fellow, always leaping headfirst into danger in a thrill-seeking way. That’s different from how I do it, because I seek glory, not thrills. It’s totally different and way more heroic.

While I was pondering that, Robin got arrested or something, but then Cash got zhir off the hook and found out who actually did whatever the crime was. She couldn’t have done it without me secretly passing along a note to a super important witness in full view of the royal guard (who have some sort of beef with Cash) without anyone noticing, though. Who was the witness? Why, none other than the traveling ice cream salesman Emile Cordobá, also known as Mr. Sweetsnow himself! It’s okay. Be jealous.

Then I had my thirteenth birthday party. A lot of cool people showed up, including all of the Bubblegums (except her aunt), Huntress Wizard, and that Cragg girl I mentioned earlier. We got attacked by a gang, but thanks to my quick thinking and also some stuff other people did I guess, we fended them off. I even got Princess Torte and Cragg to improvise a combination attack while I used my spinny ultimate move.

In the end, only a few people were hurt seriously, including Pen, but he’s better now. We also caught the leader of the attack, and hey, my dad gave me my own Nut Bow. I’ve got a weapon that’s all mine, so now it’s like I’m a real adventurer. I mean, I already was a real adventurer, but now it’s  _ like _ that, too. That’s it.

…alright, fine. Archie betrayed me. She was the one who let the mobsters sneak into our very castle. She was the one who poisoned Marceline. She was the one who pushed Pen from the highest point in Jugland. I loved my sister, and I was sure she loved me, but I guess she loved her anarchist cell more. The worst part is, she ran away before she could say she was sorry. She left, and I won’t be able to see her again. I don’t want to see her again. She made her choice about what alignment mattered more, and she parted ways, and now even after finally finding a family that’s willing to take me in I’m afraid that it’ll fall apart!

It’s fine. I know it’s fine, I just can’t help but cry. I know nobody who remains would ever leave me like that. I just wish I hadn’t known that about Archie, too.

What would I say to her? Nothing. There’s nothing to say. I don’t even want to know where she is right now. Masse’s already lost; I don’t have enough room in my nut heart for another. I just wish Masse could have been there, on that day, my old friends and my new friends together.

Anyway, great session. I’m gonna go get a drink of water now. Bye!

**Author's Note:**

> Objects in mirror may be more dramatic than they appear. Take everything said here with a massive grain of salt, and also keep in mind that the parts she weren't there for have been excised — including the entire last chapter, which functions as a segue between what Masse was doing at the beginning of the story and what he'll be doing for the story going forward, but which isn't really necessary if one takes where they ended up at the end of said chapter as a baseline (and that point is introduced in the first chapter of [the second season](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24613621/chapters/59461246), anyway).


End file.
